Two nights ago I was talking on the phone with Mr. T about growing up and entering our mid-late 20s. Specifically, what to do when you change, but your college/high school friends do not. He and I both have had our share of disappointment and loneliness after leaving the safe bubble of higher education, but despite whatever shattered illusions we experienced upon entering “the real world” of the adult workplace, it’s the interpersonal issues we have experienced with friends that have been the roughest transitions for us.
I have, in the past few years, had to cut a few friends out of my life who were not healthy, or who I just had nothing more in common with. Breaking up with friends is hard, but sometimes your relationship just ends naturally (and sometimes there is a huge, dramarama-filled blowout that ends it for you). Mr. T was aware of this, and called to ask my advice on breaking off a friendship - though not in so many words.
Mr. T and I are both rather successful for our age; we have both experienced rapid promotion in our respective fields, purchased our own homes, and we are pretty financially responsible, saving our money now so we can retire earlier than our parents will be able to (or at least, before MY parents will be able to, no offense mom!). This is all despite the fact that when we were younger, we were very different than we are now.
“You know, when I first met you, you were like…insane-crazy-party-girl-Sidvicious-Sidney. Now, you’re more like…poised-domestic-goddess-Sidvicious-Sidney,” he said to me. “Not to imply in any way that you are boring now, of course,” …but of course I’m more boring now than when I was 21! I used to start getting ready to go out at 10pm, and now it seems like 10pm is about the latest I’m willing to stay out on a work night - with the exception of going to Haven with Ploman Tuesday nights. T has changed, too - we’ve both matured, and have both changed our priorities from what they were years ago - we went from living completely hedonistic lifestyles in college to what we are now (partially hedonistic, yet realistic and responsible, I think).
This change in priorities is, I believe, what is supposed to happen once you’re out of college a few years. The difference between someone still in college, and someone out of college within a year is HUGE - even if the age difference is small. After you’ve been living on your own, paying your own bills, going to work every day, and keeping your own house, you’re in an entirely difference place from someone still in or just out of college still living with roommates/parents. I don’t want you to think I’m being a snob about this - I certainly don’t exclude anyone from my life just for being younger / in a different place / living with their parents - but I do want to stress that sometimes these differences can be too great for a friendship to overcome.
T’s current problem is just that; he has a best friend from college, let’s call him Mr. Conceited since he really always thought he was the universe’s gift to women. Mr. Conceited was what I would call a “striver” while in school. A “striver” is basically someone who is always striving for perfection - does all homework completely, early, and accurately; studies for tests excessively (to be honest, any studying at all was “excessive” in my opinion when I was in college), never misses a class, goes to all office hours a professor hosts, etc. However, when Mr. Conceited left school he just sort of started…skating. Basically doing the minimum needed to get by (the minimum needed to get by for him is much lower than other people without silver spoons in their mouths).
After skating for awhile in Boston, he moved down to the area where T lives, became friends with all his cousins friends, and really started skating. He and his friends do the same things they all did when in school - go to bars and get drunk, juggle multiple women, watch sports, go to bars and get drunk, etc.
Mr. T said to me, “how do I stay friends with Mr. Conceited, but still let him know that I feel as though I have out grown these activities? I don’t want him to think I’m passing judgment on him, but at the same time, it’s totally lame to still be doing the kind of stuff we were when we were 21, ya know?”
I totally know. Going to the bar now and again is fine, but honestly…I just get so annoyed by most people who frequent them, it is rarely worth my time.
“You can’t develop - can’t become an adult - if all you do is go out and drink,” claims my mother; “if you’re busy working a full-time job and you want to do something meaningful with your time, going out to bars is not the place to do it.”
The million dollar question, then, is how to meet new friends who are interested in doing the same things that out are during your non-work time. I’ve been in CT for over three years now and it is only in the past two that I really found some good local friends (local because I’m still very close with college friends, but they all live far, far away). I have been lucky, I think, because I haven’t had to cut too many people out of my life, though there have been a few. As hard as it was at the time, I think I prefer the dramarama-blowout method of friend break-ups; its more like ripping a bandaid off than anything else. The slow way of breaking up - especially between women when there is lots of processing of emotions involved - just takes too long sometimes, and in one case I finally said “look, I don’t need to explain to you why I don’t want to be friends anymore. Please just respect that I do not, and let’s move on with our lives.”
Since I don’t want to end this post (for now) on a sad note, here is proof of my newly found domestic bliss; my favorite pecan pie recipe after the break!
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