postings of a professional redhead

Back in this post I mention some of the annoying habits people have of not reading their email.  I think it’s becoming a pandemic, and it’s getting worse.  Reading email apparently takes too much time so it’s easier for people to just call me and essentially ask, “can you please tell me what you emailed me earlier?”

I spend at least an hour a day - probably more like two - answering the phone to questions that people wouldn’t have to ask me if they would just read the fucking emails that I send them.  I’m at the point where I want to start refusing to answer questions - I’ve already made it even harder for folks to leave their 20-minute rambling voicemails on my mailbox by putting up an extended absence greeting that states “please do not leave a voicemail, please send me an email so I have your request and information in writing.”

I also hate it when I tell people, “well, I sent you this last week…” and they respond all innocent-like, acting as though they’ve never heard of email before; “oh, you did??  REALLY??  Golly gee whiz, could you send that to me again, I must not have received it! It must have gotten eaten up by the email servers, ha-ha!”

As someone who has run her own server - web and email - I’d like to say that it is NEVER eaten by the email servers, especially at an enterprise-sized company with who knows how many backup email servers and archival systems in place.

My new policy is this: if I am sending something to you for the third or more time, I will up who your direct supervisor is in the company directory and CC that person.  And I always make sure to forward the forwarded email, so both your boss and you can see I have already sent it to you X amount of times.

Bitchy? I really don’t care. Learn to read,  and stop wasting my time.  Aren’t engineers supposed to be smart?

You’ll notice in my blogroll that I have a few medical-type blogs that I read (they’re great reads, check them out).  I’m actually fascinated by medicine, and my family is full of medical-type people; my mother and aunt (father’s little sis) are RNs, my aunt (mother’s little sis) is a pediatric intensivist (her 2nd career after she was a hot-shot lawyer in L.A.), and her partner is an APRN (ob/gyn).  To this day my family regularly asks me if I would please-please-please consider going to medical school - despite having a very successful career in engineering, and a just-starting career in wedding photography.  Their reason for asking me still, even though I already have a career?  “Because if some of these idiots I work with can be doctors, you could do it blindfolded and with your hands tied behind your back” - attribute this to all four medical field relatives, as they have all said this to me at one point or another.  It’s not just medical school though; regularly from everyone in my family, some friends,  and even old teachers, people are always suggesting some form of further education I should be seeking.

My father is the only person who is truly psyched about my chosen career - maybe because ohhh…we happen to work at the same place, and he gets to introduce me to his work friends all the time.  “This is my daughter, Sidney! She’s the [blahblahblah] that they’re always talking about in the 8:30 meeting!” and of course, his chest puffs out with pride when he brags about me to people at work.  (How I feel about being introduced to people first as his daughter and second with my title is probably fodder for an entire other post, actually…)

I wonder about this dichotomy, and why people seem so passionate about me going back to school.  My mother is especially guilty of this; when I tell her “violence in movies makes my legs get weak and my stomach flip-flop, how the hell am I going to handle someone whose guts are spilling out of their body?” she switches tactics, reminding me of my stellar LSAT scores.  “You could go to law school! They have a part-time program at UCONN! And those LSATs could easily get you into Yale!” Nevermind that I do not want to pay for either UCONN or Yale law school, not that my N.mumble GPA in undergrad would get me acceptance to either, anyway.  My p.i. aunt is the same way; “you know, you really should at least go back and get an M.B.A. if you’re going to stay in the engineering field. You already hit the glass ceiling, you said so yourself.”  My elementary school gifted teacher, who is now 89-years old and has recently converted to some sort of monkhood cult in the catholic church (the regular church was just “too liberal” for her) also brings this up during our bi-weekly phone conversations.  “When are you going to medical school? You have the brains for it, you know. Your mother always wanted you to be a doctor.”

You can imagine my disgust when I caught my mother and her sister talking on the phone about my baby cousins (future, hypothetical seeing as they are 6 and 7 years old) SAT scores, and how they would affect into which colleges they would gain admission.

“I see now why my cousin Erin always told everyone she wanted to drive a dump truck!  You guys put too much pressure on everyone! You know not everyone wants to be an over-achieving school nerd!*”

* My mother went to college for about 20 years, and has over four degrees framed and hanging on the wall.  My father has double undergraduate and double masters degrees as well as an M.B.A.  I managed to finish one major in college, and I haven’t seen my Smyff degree since graduation.  I bet it’s framed on the wall with her and my fathers degrees, actually…

I really have minimal desire to go back to school; I barely finished college alive, to be honest. The only thing that kept me sane during my time there was my participation on the tennis team, a few amazing professors, and my ex-girlfriend (who is now happily married and expecting a baby in February, but we’re still friends, and she reads this site, so hi Katja!).  An M.B.A. would probably be the quickest and dirtiest degree to get - but to what end? I once told my academic adviser in college that my career goal was “lower-middle management.”  Well baby, I’m there now! Who else can say they reached their lifetime carrer goal by the tender age of 27?  Between that and working to make money for my hobby (photography, specifically wedding), what else could I possibly ask for, career-wise?

Does anyone else have this constant academic pressure from their family? Is this a normal “I just want my baby to be all they can be and be the best and be successful and happy” wish, or is this indicative of a bigger problem? I think that everyone else in my family got the overacheiving striver gene, whereas I got the laid-back surfer gene.  No offense to surfers, of course.  They just tend to be the most laid-back people I know.

So the test that I wrote for our Shiny New Jet Engine?  They’re flying it today.  I’m psyched! This is the first test that I have written for flight, and it happened quite by accident - someone said “we need x, y, z data” but didn’t list 1) the conditions for data collection or 2) the instrumentation required - so I put together a basic plan and it ended up in the test request! Ok, I’m done being dorky.  I’m just psyched that occasionally, my job is actual ENGINEERING vs MANAGEMENT.

A little background info if you are new to my blog: I work for The Man & Big Brother, Inc. We have quite a few  government contracts (which means we answer to DoD/FBI on stuff like export/etc.), and make jet engines for both commercial and military applications. I’m an engineer, and happen to be the youngest in my group, in addition to being the only female.  I was also recently made communications manager for our entire engine program, which has caused all sorts of confusion for people who apparently thought I was some kind of aide.

1.  Do not cancel someone else’s print job.  EVER.  Even if they are printing 200 pages X 3!

2. Tartan/plaid pants look like pajamas.  Do not wear them to work, or I will giggle at you.

3. If I can see a triangle of hair-covered pasty skin where your shirt tucks in under your beer belly, Buy Longer Shirts.

4. Don’t touch me.  Ever. Unless you are A) that power dyke from across the wall, B) my hot Belgian intern, or C) my favorite manager who gives everyone (women AND men) lovely shoulder rubs.

5. Don’t mock my veganism and I won’t mock your comb over.

5a. When I am distressed about a sick cat, do not offer to “take it for a drive” for me, or offer a “$0.10 solution” (aka bullet). Do not mock me leaving early/coming in late because I took my cat to the vet. People with kids get special dispensation - why are pet people so ridiculed?

6. I realize that I am physically at my desk.  However, the bowl of tofu and psychopop novel in front of me should indicate that I Am On A Break.  So COME BACK LATER AFTER I HAVE FINISHED MY LUNCH.  Do not say “I hate to interrupt your lunch…” and then proceed to interrupt my lunch! That’s just RUDE!

7. Ties are awesome.  Especially psychedelic tie-dyed ones wrapped around retro polyester with metallic stripes.  I love you, our German partners!  (Incidentally, something I have noticed - the German/French engineers we work with tend to be much better dressed and much better looking than the American engineers I deal with every day. Just sayin…)

8. No, I will not work for you and charge someone else.  Even if he says it is OK. It is against policy to work without a statement of work, and I don’t want to be fired for helping you!

9. For the last time, I am none of the following:
- a secretary
- your mother
- your therapist
- an intern
- your personal tech support

10. I do not date people from work (with the exception of examples A & B from #4 above) ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE 40-SOMETHING MARRIED MEN.

Ok, I’m adding a number 11: PLEASE do not send me a business email with any of the following:
- :), :P, ;), or any other emotes
- “my bad”
- “wtf,” “lol,” etc.
- an accusatory tone
- a whiny tone
- an “emergency” due to poor planning on your part does not an emergency on my part make
- asking questions that are answered if you just read the entire email I sent
- signatures with cutesy/folksy/religious sayings
- political fwds
- “funny” fwds
- just don’t fwd anything that isn’t specifically related to my job
- do not ask me for my cell phone number and/or attempt to flirt via work email…I realize I’m the cutest thing around here, but really it gets tiresome the lame lines I get via work email. Perhaps I’ll write about that specifically another day.

I was supposed to help my good friend Laura move on Saturday, but in the wee hours of the morning I woke up coughing up all kinds of disgusting things. A quick trip to the Saturday clinic revealed bronchitis (I swear I’m going to be the youngest person diagnosed with COPD one of these days), and I’m now on doxy (my least favorite antibiotic as it rips your stomach up if you aren’t vigilant about taking it with food) and back on Advair, my least favorite drug because I don’t want to get <a href=” http://www.webmd.com/oral-health/tc/thrush-topic-overview“>thrush</a> and so compulsively swish/gargle for five minutes after each dose.

So instead of helping her move, I stayed at home all day Saturday and played video games. Specifically, I tooled around Nagrand and at about 8pm (after playing at level 69 for almost 8 hours), hit 70. It was kind of anti-climactic, but I bought a green put-put flying mount, and finally got to put on all the frozen shadoweave clothes I had made for myself.

If you have no idea what I just said, congratulations – you’re not a dork.

Now it’s Monday morning, and I’m sitting at work drinking tons of water wishing I could leave early (to go home and nap), except I have two meetings this afternoon that I am running, so won’t be able to leave until at least 4. I actually follow the “good meeting guidelines” and prepare an agenda beforehand so I can insist we stay on topic during my meetings. I hate it when people want to go on stream-of-consciousness tangents in my meetings – if it’s a totally different topic, call your own damn meeting, and don’t waste my time!

Of my four subscribers (hi, mom), one sent me an email asking me to post more about work-related stuff. I tend to talk to friends about funny work stories, but I have yet to figure out how to translate that to a blog. Most of the stuff I deal with at work is either export controlled or proprietary information, and even if it wasn’t, the technical stuff has major snooze factor. So I need to figure out how to describe things in a fun/exciting way – and I bet you’ve never heard the words “fun/exciting” used in conjunction with engineering!

RTFQ - I sometimes finding myself wanting to type this out in response to notes I receive from people asking questions that were obviously and thoroughly covered in my original email, but rather than RTFQ, they just need to read the fucking email - AND the attachments - before making me waste time by repeating myself. And by “repeating myself” I mean FWDing my original email back to your lazy self with the note “please read to the bottom.”

In other work-related wankery, please can someone explain to me what the purpose of the following interaction was?

Email from me to owner of data: I have added the following information to the attached form. Please verify that these are correct and let me know before COB tomorrow.
Email from owner of data to me and so-and-so: Please send that form to so-and-so to have them check it over.

Note…he could have just FWD my note, with attachment, to so-and-so and CC’d me. Instead, he takes the time to send a note to ask me to send a note. I just replied all and attached my original email with the attachment inside. This kind of stuff really makes my head spin…

I don’t complain about work very often, and when I do it’s pretty much half-hearted; I consider myself one of the lucky ones who truly enjoy not only their job, but also [most of] the people they work with. Especially my boss, who I shall refer to as Awesome Boss for the purposes of this blog forever more.

Awesome Boss and I share half a cubicle together, so it’s pretty close quarters. He’s not quite 30 years older than I am, grew up on a rural farm in way upstate New York, and has been doing this kind of stuff since he was in the armed services. Basically, he’s probably one of the most knowledgeable people in this field, not to mention being one of the smartest people I know. The man is obviously gifted. Right now Awesome Boss is away in that flip-flopping country where The Man & Big Brother, Inc. do a lot of business with our partner/supplier, Flip-Flop Inc. What does this mean?

I’m holding down the fort. The problem with me holding down the fort is that I’m the youngest - and the only female - in this current working group, and since I’m normally nice people think they can try to abuse my n00b status by pissing down the totem pole. The thing is, just because most of the time Awesome Boss fights the battles for me, doesn’t mean I don’t have a can of whoop ass ready for the opening.

People who wait until the last minute to request things that involve major changes (such as reprogramming, rewiring, etc.) and then try to say that they emailed me about this months ago and it’s not their fault truly disgust me. First of all, you can’t just change stuff without getting approval from The Chiefs, so claiming you sent me an email is totally out of process to begin with. Secondly, I sent this guy, this Weasel von Pointy-Finger, about seven emails while I was reviewing his material asking him repeatedly to verify that what was in the system was indeed what he wanted. He of course ignored my emails, and didn’t realize until it was Too Late that shit! he’s not getting what he needs when we go to Flip-Flop Inc.

Well QQ, Mr. Weasel von Pointy-Finger, this is why you need to pay attention to emails I send out! I can’t believe you tried to play the system because Awesome Boss was not here to yell at you for this bullshit that you thought you could just blame me and we would never know. Well you didn’t expect that someone would txt me from the meeting and tell me to get my behind in there and boy did I print out every email I sent you, along with the “Mr. Weasel von Pointy-Finger has deleted your email without opening it” notifications I get from exchange, and it felt truly amazing to let you know (in professional and diplomatic language of course) that I think you’re a big, giant wanktard.

Something else that happened this week that has my panties in a twist – someone sent me some test instructions and asked me to review them and get everyone else who needs to sign off for this test to approve. So I get all the managers to sign off on this thing, and then of course AFTER it is signed off a representative of a certain government agency that shall remain unnamed decides they have an issue with one part of this document. So Mr. Requester calls me up and QQs on my voice mail saying how he never approved this (technically, he never sent me an email saying “I approve this) – but he’s the one who wrote it, and he’s the one who told me to get everyone else to sign off! I consider that implied consent! Trying to say “well, I never even approved this” once people start having an issue with it is a total cop-out. You wrote it, you asked me to “get everyone else to sign off,” so please justify to me how I somehow misinterpreted your intentions, you big baby.

Sometimes, I really wish I was able to type out all the ridiculously funny stuff that goes on at the lunch table in the cafeteria here at The Man & Big Brother, Inc. However, the rule is, “what happens at the lunch table, stays at the lunch table.” That doesn’t mean I can’t give you a few out-of-context stories…

Sardonic Manager: “Oh you won’t believe what happened in the 8:30 this morning. So Dr. X [random managerial-type who likes to stir up trouble and INSISTS on reminding everyone he has a PhD] got on the call – late, as usual – and starts pounding on Louis – and suddenly all we hear is CLICK! He totally hung up on us!”

Disbelieving Manager, to Louis: “Did you really hang up on them?”

Louis, through a bite of banana: “What, I want to take it up the ass first thing in the morning?”

Other gems include:

“We can find defeat in the jaws of victory!” – on winning a major contract, but being told it’s a “lean year” and there is now a hiring freeze, with possible layoffs on the horizon.

“If you look at this engine, you will turn to salt!” – suggestion to reword the official proprietary notice.

“We’re considering hiring an armed guard for the engine, 24/7. If we can’t get an armed guard, we’ll just send over Paperhurts and tell her we’ll cancel her World of Warcraft subscription if she lets anyone looks at the engine.”

And my favorite by far…in response to a threat of being laid off (half-jokingly): “I’ve got one word for you: vested.”