Dating Advice From…
A little while ago, the very talented and cool Steph Auteri interviewed me for a regular Nerve advice column called “Dating Advice From…” and mine was, you guessed it, “Dating Advice From…Engineers.” I’m on the second page, and there is even a horribly unflattering head shot of me included in the article! They only used a few of the answers that I provided, and the typo in the 4th question is not mine, so since you’re here reading your blog I present to you…all my answers!
I remember well my days playing Tekken 3 with the honors engineers of Rutgers University. My proficiency at the game (really, I just pressed every button at once, as fast as I could) seemed to impress them, elevating my status in their minds. If you were to test the suitability of a possible new gf/bf, what would you use?
I think it might have been the fact that you had no idea what you were doing but still wanted to try that impressed them. I don’t think that I need to have everything in common with my significant other, so I don’t have a list of suitability requirements when screening potential partners. It would be nice if they were interested in a few of the things that I enjoy, but even if they just try something new with me and hate it so much they never want to do it again, that would make me just as happy. I guess my list of suitability questions would be short, and just require an open mind for new experiences.
Engineers of all sorts are adept at building things…putting things together…figuring out the right tools and building blocks for optimal functionality. What would you put into a first date emergency kit?
It depends on what we were doing on the first date…if I ever take someone to a waterfall in winter again, I’ll bring a first aid kit and blankets. But if we’re talking “in case the date goes really well,” maybe fixings for a late-night snack would be in order.
Speaking of building things (holla to all you civic engineers), how would you work toward building a strong foundation for a long-term relationship?
I lasted over three years with someone who was constantly flipping the toilet paper roll around the opposite way of how I like it to hang. We were constantly joking around about our T.P. war. Understanding what is and isn’t important to the person you are with is probably the fastest way to build a foundation for a long-term relationship. You need to support them on the things they care about, just as you expect them to support you with what matters in your life. And you need to laugh while figuring it all out.
I would expect nothing less from an engineer than optimum efficiency, and I assume that you would expect the same from a prospective suitor. For all of us non-engineers, what is the most efficient way to get a hot young engineer in bed?
I assume that you always have a contingency plan, right? What do you suggest readers do to bail out of an obviously unsuccessful date?
I’ve seen on television where people work out very elaborate plans such as “call me at some predetermined time and if my date blows I’ll claim an emergency!” Really, why go to such extremes – if it’s not meant to be, cut your losses early. Usually if a date is going sour to the point you want to bail, it’s probably the first few; I believe it is entirely reasonable to just tell the person, “look, this isn’t working for me,” and end the date at that. There is no need for helicopters or men in black suits, I promise.
I have a really tight-knit group of friends, and my man doesn’t seem comfortable around them. How can I help him feel like a true part of my posse?
He’s not a part of your posse; he’s your boyfriend. Depending on how long you’ve been together, this could just be an issue of time; adding a new person to a very close group of friends is never easy, and you have to expect a new man – trying to be on his best behavior so all your friends will like and approve of him – might feel at least a little intimidated.
My man and I are always working. Always. We barely have the time left over for each other. It drives me crazy that he thinks that watching CSI together is sufficient for bonding. What would you suggest as an ideal quickie date for us?
Why not make a TV picnic to watch in front of CSI? Some of my favorite dates are ones where we didn’t go anywhere; I’m a sucker for snuggling up on the couch with someone and watching a movie. Alternatively, you could suggest he accompany you to whatever you do to decompress after working.
My boyfriend can’t make a move without asking for his dad’s opinion. It drives me crazy, because I feel he ignores my input as a result. What should I do?
Dump him. No, really…if your significant other doesn’t have you ranked significantly enough, it’s probably time to find someone who will. If you really don’t want to dump him, then it’s time to have a serious sit-down where you talk about your expectations of him, tell him to grow up, be a man, and stop calling daddy every time he needs to make a decision.
I burp in front my boyfriend. He sometimes uses his Ped Egg when we’re watching TV. I get the feeling our great romance is dead. How can we rekindle that early-relationship passion?
I have a friend who constantly cyber-stalks every promising guy she meets, consequently freaking herself out with what she finds. How can I convince her to stop being so judgmental? On the other side of things, where do you think people should draw the line when drawing up their profiles?
This is one reason why I hate so-called social networking sites; so much information about us is out there for anyone to find, and some of it might not be something we want people to find. Remind your friend that she really can’t judge someone by their online profile; you probably have no idea when it was last updated, and also remind her that her behavior is not only desperate, it is very, very creepy.
Sometimes, I’m feeling less than sexual, and all I want to do is cuddle. My bf often misinterprets this to mean that I’m looking for some “sexy time.” How can I be sure I’m sending the right message?
Did you tell him, “I just feel like cuddling tonight?” Because that seems like it would be hard to misinterpret. I really don’t understand when people insist on “sending signals” instead of just saying what they mean/want. It gets you where you need to be much faster.
I’ve just been dumped in the worst way, and am feeling a bit vengeful. Should I give in to these feelings? No? How can I distract myself from my burgeoning feelings of homicidal rage?
It depends on what the revenge is; if it’s living well, moving on, and finding someone who won’t treat you like a piece of dirt, then yes. If it involves saran-wrapping his car shut in the middle of the night so he’s late for work, congratulations! You’ve just sunk to the level of my friend’s 16 year old sister. I’ve had some shitty dumpings, and so have my friends (a six month relationship ended in a myspace comment? really??) and I really think the best thing to do is just move on. Do you really want to be “that psycho obsessed ex” they’re talking to all their friends about once you’ve “had your revenge?” I didn’t think so.
I’m so intimidated by the bar scene, and especially freeze up when a girl I’m interested in is surrounded by all of her bffs. What’s the secret to breaking the ice with a large group of gorgeous gals?
Don’t be intimidated! They’re probably complaining to each other about the fact that no one is coming over and talking to them! First approach them as a group, introducing yourself, asking how they’re all doing, and maybe some more idle chit-chat before bringing the conversation around to the one you like.
What do you look for when choosing your ideal wingman?
Cynicism, and a complete and total distrust of the entire human race. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, but I don’t take a wingman out for the same reasons men do; my wingman is there to help me cut through all the bullshit that is flying around whenever people are hitting on other people.
I get the feeling that I’ve scared off women in the past with my intensity. How can I make sure that I’m not coming on too strong?
If you really like someone, it’s hard NOT to come on strong; I’ve definitely been there. However, you can’t assume that just because you are so totally into her, that she is equally as into you. Sometimes, let her be the one to call you, and ask a friends advice before proposing another date. They might keep you from asking for a weekend away together before she’s even ready to consider an overnight.
I’m in a monogamous relationship, but continue to have dreams about my ex. Does this mean anything? How can I explore these feelings for my ex without hurting everyone involved?
It means you’re still processing whatever happened between the two of you. Really, I don’t think “a dream is a wish your heart makes,” because if that were true, then my heart would like pirates to take over the world today, and for me to be the leader of an underground ninja resistance movement. And I think pirates are way cooler than ninjas in real life. You don’t ever need to “explore feelings for [your] ex” because they’re your ex for a reason! You broke up for good reason, remember them well, and try not to over-analyze your dreams. Focus on the person you are with right now so you’re not having ex-dreams of them in a few months.
