Vampires are only cool when they’re evil

Much as I hate to admit it, I read the “Twilight” books.  ALL of them. Why? They aren’t my normal reading, and for the record, I would consider Clive Cussler books classic literature compared to the “Twilight” books; hell, I might even prefer reading a Dan Brown novel, and I *hate* Dan Brown. I read them because I was sick and tired of hearing how awesome they were, and I wanted to have specific examples of badness to rebut arguments with (no really, it’s true). I didn’t buy them, I read them online (ha!) on my blackberry (haha!) during lunch breaks (hahaha!) and they took me all of about five hours to read, collectively, if that is any indication of their reading level (I’m guessing about 1st grade). I also watched the movie, and I was just as unimpressed with that as I was with the books. Actually, I was even MORE disappointed, because when the books are that bad, usually the movie is better; I mean, when you’re at the absolute BOTTOM of the barrel, there is only room to go up, right?

And I could write a massive essay on why I think the Twilight books suck, but I think the internet has already covered all my arguments (Bella is a wimpy ineffectual horn-dog, Edward is a manipulative psycho, that werewolf kid is really the only redeeming character in the books, sort of, until he almost um, rapes Bella, or something, but that’s OK because she forgives him, or whatever).

SO it turns out that, before all this Twilight nonsense, there were these other books, called “The Vampire Diaries,” which have now been turned into a TV show on CWTV. They were first published in 1991, which is quite a bit before this whole “Twilight” nonsense. They aren’t exactly the same, but they do have one thing in common that, to be honest, absolutely boggles my mind:

In both of these series, century+ old vampires feel the urge, for some reason, to return to high school.

Let that sink in a little bit. You have no need to turn on your suspension of disbelief here, so consider this: you’re over a hundred years old, you’ve lived through just about every war in recent history, you’re probably pretty smart if you’ve managed to stay alive all this time (oh wait, I forgot, one of the other things that these two series have in common is the vampires can go out during the day and not be reduced to a pile of ash) and oh yes, you’ve probably eaten LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE along the way, right? No, again, another thing these series have in common is our main Vampire McSteamy is a “vegetarian” who doesn’t eat people. But he has friends who are not so nice. And the ultimate thing that these have in common? Not only do these hundred-plus year old vegetarian UV-tolerant vampires return to high school, but they also are interested in dating high school girls.

Really? Because the only thing worse, in my opinion, than returning to high school, would be to date a high schooler. And they’re doing both.

Can someone please explain to me when and why vampires went from sexy-because-they’re-evil to sexy-because-they’re-magical-but-not-evil? And on what planet ANYONE could reasonably suspend their disbelief long enough to think for one MOMENT that anyone over the age of 25 would ever consider going back to high school, or dating a twatty teenager??

Just to recap what these books have in common:

• insanely sexy/attractive century+ old vampire returns to high school
• decides he wants to date a normal, teenage girl (young enough to be his great-great-great-granddaughter)
• can go outside when the sun is still out
• vampires can choose not eat people
• vampires have friends/relatives who eat people

Fuck that. I like my vampires evil. Think Spike or Angelus from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Or ya know…Dracula.