Work Rant

I actually had to say the following to someone this week: “Please do not do that [fart] in my face. If you need to do that [yes, fart], please remove yourself to the bathroom, where that [he was doing it in my face!!] is considered appropriate.  Or at least walk a few feet away from me to be polite.”

“Yeah, she’s a GIRL!  A GIRL is the new BOSS!” – my coworkers amazement that one of the new model managers is actually a WOMAN.  My response was “oh, is she younger than I am? When you refer to a professional working woman as I girl, I picture some little tween sitting in a cube wearing her mother’s clothes.”

“God, someone needs to give him a blow job or something, he’s wound so tight.  Any volunteers?” – said at the lunch table by a very high-level manager.  I was, of course, the only woman at the table, and everyone looked at me and giggled.

“You’re not allowed to complain about a colonoscopy in front of me.  I’ve had to have my vagina cranked open and examined every year since I was 18! You don’t have anything to complain about!” – ok, I said this one at the lunch table, and am still a little shocked that I said such a thing.  Really though, I’m so tired of all the guys who are turning 50 whining and moaning about this procedure, especially in front of my boss who had cancer down there and gets really upset when they talk about skipping their check-ups.  Anyway, we have a saying, “What goes on at the lunch table, stays at the lunch table.”

How hard is it to spell my name correctly?  When you send an email, you see the following:

Why is it then I get emails with my name spelled “Sydney,” “Syndy,” “Syndney,” and – horror of horrors – “Cyndy/ie?!?”  Learn to read, people!

OMGWTFBBQ MICROSOFT YOU SUCK. Why did you decide that when copying and pasting data into cells in Excel they should attempt to retain their original formatting!? Because I have to say – NO ONE wants them to retain their original formatting.  We just want to alt+tab ctrl+p alt+tab ctrl+c alt+tab etc., but we can’t do that because we have to click on the stupid fucking input bar so whatever is in our paste buffer is pasted as plain fucking text.  You seriously screwed the pooch on this one, AMONG OTHERS…don’t even get me started on your automatic text formatting that tries to turn my parameter names into exponents, ARGH.

DO NOT forward me non-work related emails, ESPECIALLY if you’re my boss! It is just completely inappropriate to forward anything with a prayer, “advice” on how to save gas/money/baby seals, or any stupid/incorrect histrionic warning that ends up on snopes the next day debunked as a total farce.

Seriously learn to listen.  If I tell you “we cannot have x, y, or z until the IT department releases a, b, and c to us” do not then go to your boss and say, “hey, paperhurts is holding up our ability to have x, y, or z!”  I do not work in the IT department, and I’m pretty sure the Lotus Notes group has an office in Hells annex.  It would explain why they never answer their phone and only randomly respond to email.

Learn to read (part deux!)!!!!  If the title of one powerpoint slide says:

Requesting a Lotus Notes Domino Web ID

And the title of another powerpoint slide says:

Requesting access to [Proprietary System of The Man and Big Brother, Inc.]

Do NOT do the former, and then get pissed when it doesn’t achieve the latter!  You sent a request for access to a system that I OWN to the Lotus Notes group – we’re not even sure if they exist, or it’s just one drunk monkey tapping on keys who occasionally gets a request correct – so don’t be surprised/pissed off/complain to your boss that “access to [Proprietary System of The Man and Big Brother, Inc. is taking too long!” while pointing your non-literate finger at myself.  I just might accidentally add you to every standard distribution list, and see you complain later when you’re receiving 400+ emails/day on every single entry in that database!